The Epic Crossover PLAY!
by Lady Suji
Summary: Edward and Alphonse Elric find themselves in quite a predicament. They both were kidnapped, and now they have to do a play! But, what will happen when you add personified countries, and a drunk prince into the equation? T FOR A REASON! Yaoi hints!


Hello! This is my first entry! I do not own any of the animes (Hetalia Axis Powers; Fullmetal Alchemist; and D. Gray man) or characters (America, England, France, Russia, Belarus, Turkey, Hungary; Ed, Al, Roy, Ling, Jean, Scar, Envy, Lan Fan, May Chan, Winry, Riza, Selim/Pride, King Bradley/Wrath; Kanda, Komulin 4). They all belong to their respected owners. I only made this for fun, and flames will be used to fuel my fiery passion for yaoi. :D

Oh, and if you don't like yaoi, turn away now or forever be scarred! T for a reason! MUHAHAHAHAAAA!

Enjoy!

**Ed and Al wake up in a dark, cold room.**

Al shakes Ed awake.

Ed: "Al? What?"

*looks around*

Ed: "Crap, where the hell are we?"

Al: "I don't know, but I'm scared brother!"

Roy: "Wait, Ed, Al?"

Ed & Al: "Colonel!"

Ling: "Hello Al! Hi Ed~! Hehehee!"

*Ed's eye twitches*

Kimblee: "Where are we?"

Scar: "Yea."

Jean: "Yea! All I remember is your friend Winry talking to me, then I lost conciousness!"

Ed: "Us too."

America: "Who's there? Are you GHOSTS?"

England: "For bloody sakes they're people, Alfred!"

France: "Yes, mon cher*, nothing to be afraid of, non?"

Russia: "Yea! Nothing! Kolkol."

*Russia wraps his arm around America's shoulder, and America shrieks*

Envy: "Well, whoever did this is dead!"

*A couple of minutes pass in complete silence*

Ed: "God, this is soo boring! I just wanna find the guy who kidnapped us, and punch him right in the face!"

Ling: "You know Ed, there's actually a fun game we can play, called Kancho, and it's really fun. Wanna play~3?"

Ed: "No. Maybe later."

Me: "Kukuku... You should..."

*Ed and Al feel an ominous prescence, and turn their heads*

*Suddenly, bright lights turn on*

Me: "Welcome, Alchemists, Homunculus, and Countries, to the set of my PLAY! !"

Ed: "What?"

Me: "The set for my play, silly!"

*Ed stares at me like Imma crazy MAMA LUIGI! hahahaha, I might be a little... Or a lot.*

Al: "I want to leave!"

Me: "Well, you're gonna do my play and like it. Or I'll feed you to Komulin 4. And then Belarus and I will burn Komulin 4's crap. That's a warning to everyone, by the way"

*Al and others stare in shock*

Kimblee: "Why am I here? And when did I get dressed in a red ciquened thong and nothing else?"

Me: "Heheheheheheheee... I'll tell ya later..." ;) *giggles with nosebleed*

*o.o Kimblee stares, then shrugs*

Roy: "Wait, who the hell put me in a pink dress?"

England&America: "Why are we I dresses?"

Russia: "Why am I wearing frilly clothing?"

France: "It's colonial, and why am I wearing it too?"

Envy: "Why am I wearing a police uniform?"

Scar: "Why am I wearing an 'I 3 Jacob' shirt?"

Ling: "Why am I naked?"

Jean: "Why are you naked?"

Kanda: "How the hell did I get here?"

Me: "Kanda, get you're skinny ass out of my theatre!"

*Kanda walks away, somewhat hurt, but somewhat pleased because I called him skinny*

Me: "Alright! Time to get this show on the road! ^.^"

Kimblee: "I kind of like wearing this..."

*everyone except me stare in shock*

Ling: "Ya know, I like being naked. I should streak more often! Don't you think, Ed? Hahaha!"

*Ed palms his face*

Me: "Anyway, in this play, Roy is the fair maiden, and Ed is the prince!"

Ling: "But shouldn't I be the prince cuz I really am one, and Ed my princess?"

Me: "Don't make me get the whip."

*Ling cowers, shielding his butt*

Me: "Alright! Now that's settled, America, your Roy's best friend, and Russia's fiancé. England is America's older sister, and France is your husband."

France: "Do we get to kiss?"

Me: "If I tell you yes will you let me continue?"

France: "...Oui."

*England face palms*

Me: "Anyway, Scar, you're the towns crazy twilight fangirl, envy is the policeman/woman (idk what you are. O.o), Jean is a townsperson, and Ling/Greed, you are the village idiot."

Kimblee and Al: "What are we?"

Me: "Al, you're Ed's trusty steed! And Kimblee, you're mine later on tonight... If you know what I mean... Heheheheheheheheheheheheeee!"

*Kimblee stares in utter confusion, and Al sits in his emo corner*

oOo

**After a couple of weeks (where they were forced to practice) it was opening night. **

Me: "Alright, places everyone! Tonight is opening night! Break your legs!"

*everyone groans except Ling and Kimblee, and Russia, cuz Russia never frowns. He always has that adorable, yet somewhat frightening smile... O.o*

Kimblee: "I still don't have a part. You only told me to wear this thong!"

Me: "Kimblee, your job comes later, right after the show... And I know you'll do good... Heheheheee!"

Kimblee: "What am I doing exacty?"

Me: "Umm well, isn't it a little obvious?

Kimblee: "No, not really. Am I a swimmer or something?"

Me: "Um, uh, um er- well, can you come over here?" *whispers in Kimblee ear*

Kimblee: "Hahaha! I can't believe you thought I didn't know what you meant! But, I'll be happy to oblige~." 3

*I smile happily, and giggle* ^•^

Me: "Okay, time to get out there! Everyone, break a leg!"

Everyone: "Okay!"

oOo

King Bradley: "Oh, what a nice theater!"

Riza: "Yes, it is furher."

Selim/Pride: "I heard the short alchemist is in it!"

King Bradley: "I did too! And I heard the Flame Alchemist is in it as well. Is that true, Riza?"

Riza: "Oh, really? I didn't know that."

Selim/Pride: "Yeah! And the director is named... Madame... Madame... Madame-"

Me: "Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to our theatre. My name is Madame Susie, the director for this play. But of course, I also had help from my lovely playwriters, coregraphers, and friends, Winry, Lanfan, Belarus, Hungary, and May Chan!"

*appalause*

Me: "Now, please enjoy the show!"

*I move, curtains roll up, and there is a set with a balcony over looking a garden*

Ed: "My princess, please excuse my gaze, but you are too lovely for mortal eyes"

*Ed immediately starts supressing giggles at Roy*

Roy: "Oh, why, thank you! Hehehe?"

*Roy says this in a girly voice, and the crowd giggles, and Alfred clutches his sides from giggling too hard*

Ed: "I have been watching for the longest time, my angel. Ever since you were young, I watched you from the shadows every hour of every moment"

*Roy's eye twitches, and then Envy walks on the stage*

Envy: "Ma'am, is this man bothering

you?"

Roy: "Well, yes he is. He just admitted to stalking me!"

*Envy gasps, then takes Ed away*

Roy (normal voice): "Wait, what the f-"

*Ling swings from a random vine, yelling and screaming. Did I mention he's still naked?*

Ling: "I will save you *hiccup* princess-man!"

Roy (normal voice): "Ling, no!"

*Ling snatches Roy*

Roy (normal voice): "Ling, you better not be f*cking drunk."

*Ling burps*

Roy (normal voice): "Oh god! Help!"

Ling: "Roy, you look *hiccup* booty~ful hahahaha! *burp* but not a bootyful as Ed!"

Roy (normal voice): "Let go of me fool!"

Ling: "Automobile~~~? Hahahahahaaa!"

Alfred: "AHAHAHAHAAAAA! XD"

Russia: "You know, Alfred, Susie said we were supposed to kiss... And do other things... Kolkolkol..." *wraps arms around Alfred's waist and pulls him into the shadows. Muhahahahaaa…. :3*

Envy: "Wait, what the hell!"

Ed: "That's not in the script! Well, now I really have to save him!"

Envy: "Why?"

Ed: "Well, I don't want them to die!"

*runs on stage*

Roy (normal voice): "SAVE ME YOU STUPID F*CKING SHRIMP!"

Ed: "WHO YOU CALLIN' SMALL!"

*transmutates floor to get to Roy*

Ed: "When I get to you, Colonel Bastard, I'll beat you to a pulp, then cook you and serve you for dinner you son of a b-!"

*Ed gets hit by a naked Ling, but Ling holds him and Roy*

Ling: "Hahahahahaaaaaaaa! *burp*"

Ed: "Ling you idiot!"

Ling: "C'mon baby! Looooooooossseeen up! *long belch, then hiccup*

*Ling kisses Ed on the cheek, and Ed blushes*

Roy (normal voice): "We really need to get DOWN!"

England: "Holy shit! Is that supposed to bloody happen?"

France: "I don't know, mon cher, but I would enjoy it so much Angelterre if we could make love with that dress on... Mon lapin... Ohoho..." *France kisses England's neck, and pulls him away*

Turkey: "The Phantom of the Opera is ther- HOLY SHI-" *gets hit by Ling, Ed and Roy*

Ling: "Ed, me love you long time! Heheheheeee!"

Ed: "Shut up and grab onto something!" *grabs a handlebar above the set where Turkey stood*

Roy: "Thank you!" *Roy and Ed climb onto the walk way, followed by Ling.*

Roy: "Now that that's settled, who got Ling drunk? Alcohol isn't allowed in the theatre, and Ling's breath smells fresh of it."

Ling: "Yea baby! AHHH YEYA!"

Ed: "Yea! So who could have done it?"

oOo

Meanwhile, backstage:

Me: "Dance slave DANCE! SHAKE IT, HAHAHAAA!" *cracks whip on Kimblee's butt backstage*

Kimblee: "O-o-okay..." *cries*

Me: "Hahahaaa!"

Belarus: "Susie."

Me: "Yea Natalia?"

Belarus: "The play failed because Ling got drunk."

Me: "Hey Nat, I have a question for you."

Belarus: "What?"

*I smirk, and pull out a bottle of vodka*

Me: "Who do you think got him drunk?"

END!

A/N:

Lol, I wanted to be the culprit cuz it's fun... I don't know... And I've had a song about vodka (and Ivan) stuck in my head, and plays, and the Phantom of the Opera (lol), so I had to do it. My apologies, this makes absolutely no sense at all whatsoever. I hope you guys have a nice day, and cookies for all the people who read it through! :D *flys away with England on his "my little pony"*


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